I’m excited before I even start this movie because of the picture on this page in the collection of DVDs I borrowed:
YODA! Excited I am. (It’s still really weird to me that I know so much about these movies without ever having seen them. If there was ever a time to use the word “ubiquitous,” it is now. Or, as Yoda might say, now it is.)
OK, shhhhh, it’s starting! Again, I’m keeping notes as I go.
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
(Released May 21, 1980)
Three years between the first two movies? That seems like a long time. Were humans more patient in the ’80s?
John Williams, doing his brilliant thing.
I’m surprised to see snow in this opening scene. The previous movie was all desert and heat, so I suppose I expected more of the same.
OMG, what is that thing that just attacked Luke?! It looks like Bumble, that abominable snowman-y thing from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Han’s talking about leaving because he still owes Jabba the Hutt. That was three years ago (by release date, I mean), and he hasn’t paid him yet? And now Leia’s mad because Han’s leaving. Oooh boy, I can see where this is going. Not super subtle, you two.
Laugh out loud moment: Han’s hand on C-3PO’s mouth to get him to stop talking.
Cut to Luke hanging upside-down in the ice cave. Han’s coming to find you, buddy! Hang in there! (Errr, you know what I mean.)
What is Bumble eating? Is that Luke’s tauntaun? (Side note of thanks to closed captions for telling me what those things are called.)
Luke’s using the force to free himself. And Bumble’s getting too close to the lightsaber. Ohhhh, that must have hurt, and now one-armed Bumble is REALLY mad, but Luke escapes. Out of the ice cave and into the snow.
Blip beep beep. R2-D2 is trying to help find Luke.
Luke’s face-down in the snow. Han is riding a very cold tauntaun. Hurry up and find him, Han!
Wait. They’re closing the doors?! Before Han and Luke are back?!?! I agree with Chewie. And note to C-3PO: Your spouting of facts isn’t helping right now.
We interrupt this blog post for an important message: I used the misspelling “Chewy” in my post about Episode IV. I just noticed it’s spelled “Chewie” in the closed captions, and I looked it up to confirm. According to the Star Wars Stylebook Twitter account (yes, really), it is always … always … spelled Chewie. Mea culpa.
And now, back to Luke in the snow, just as Obi-Wan appears to him with an important message of his own: Go to the Dagobah system and learn from Yoda.
OMG, seriously? Han finds Luke, but then his tauntaun freezes to death? Luke keeps mumbling about Ben and Yoda and Dagobah, while Han takes the lightsaber and cuts open the dead tauntaun to use it as a source of heat for Luke. I can’t imagine dead tauntaun innards would stay warm for very long, but okay. And another laugh-out-loud moment from Han: “Ah! I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”
The next morning, there appears to be a search party. One of these guys is referring to his call sign, “Rogue Two.” Isn’t there a later movie called Rogue One? Is that relevant somehow?
Whew, Rogue Two found them and transported them back to Echo Base.
“Laugh it up, Fuzzball.” Ha! I finally understand why that line has been such a hit for so many years.
Han and Leia are bickering again. He thinks that she thinks he’s cute. She probably does, but instead of admitting it, Leia plants one on Luke, and all I can think is … wait, what? Aren’t they siblings? Also, Leia, you’re so much better than using another guy to make Han jealous. Or whatever that move was.
I’m only 19 minutes into this movie. Pretty sure I started watching almost an hour ago.
Imperial probe droid goes boom! I agree with the decision to evacuate.
And now, we’re with the imperial forces. Wait a second. I need to rewind. Is that an imperial base of some kind … in the shape of Vader’s helmet? Please don’t give any current world leaders any ideas. [Note: I realized much later that this is actually Vader standing in front of the window, so you see only his helmet surrounded by stars. Now I can’t stop laughing that I thought there was a Vader’s-helmet-shaped space station. I want this to be a thing.]
Cut back to Echo Base, where they’re preparing to leave. Luke reaches up to scratch Chewie behind the ear. Chewie hugs him. I laugh. Han and Luke say goodbye without really saying much of anything.
Uh oh: “Prepare for ground assault.”
Vader kills an admiral via video. That’s horrifyingly impressive.
Here come the AT-ATs. I had to look that up. I feel like I’ve played an Atari game that involved destroying those things.
Lots of fighting. One AT-AT is down, thanks to the ol’ tie-up-his-legs-with-cable method. And now Luke is down. (That was unexpected.) Han and Leia are bickering again. (That wasn’t.) Ooooh, and now Luke is catching a ride on an AT-AT! (That was really unexpected!)
Han, Leia, Chewie, and C-3PO are trying to escape in the Millennium Falcon. They can’t get it to start, and Leia’s snark shines through: “Would it help if I got out and pushed?” Haha!
Whew. Looks like they all got away. See you at the rendezvous point!
Well of course there’s an asteroid field on the way. C-3PO tells Han the odds of successfully navigating through it, and Han says what I’m thinking: “Never tell me the odds.”
Luke and R2 are approaching Dagobah. Is anything easy in this movie? No? Didn’t think so. And it still feels like there’s a lot of movie left.
Yoda! Yayyyyy! Finally.
This is the first time I feel like my pre-viewing impression of a character was different than the actual presentation (or at least the presentation so far). I always thought Yoda was calm and wise. This Yoda is a menace who’s had too much sugar. I want to put him in time-out.
Yoda’s hitting R2 with a stick, fighting over the lamp (or whatever that is), saying “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!” which of course makes me think of Finding Dory.
I don’t think R2 is (R)too happy at Luke for leaving him alone in camp.
Back to the Millennium Falcon gang, trying to fix that bucket of bolts. C-3PO interrupts Han and Leia at exactly the wrong moment, but at least they finally kissed. That’ll give her something to overthink about.
Now Darth Vader is talking with his master [please hold while I consult Google about this], Darth Sidious. I glad there’s so much Star Wars stuff on the Internet so I can find answers to my questions, but I’m probably hitting a few spoilers here and there.
I’m surprised that Vader’s suddenly concerned about Luke, with his, “he’s just a boy” comment. I mean, even knowing what comes later (you know, those five famous words that rhyme with Duke, try yam for bother), I didn’t expect Vader to care at all about Luke’s safety. Or existence.
Well, hold on: “He will join us or die, master.” I guess Vader doesn’t care about Luke as much as I thought when he said “he’s just a boy.” Maybe what I mistook for caring was actually just brushing him off as inconsequential.
And now back to Yoda and Luke having dinner, and Luke finds out he’s been talking to Yoda all along. Ben and Luke are trying to convince Yoda to train Luke.
Luke: I’m not afraid.
Yoda: You will be.
We see imperial forces vs. the asteroids, and then we see our friends in the Millennium Falcon, and what the heck was that thing they just flew out of, a basilisk?
Back to Luke and Yoda, and I’m wondering if this swamp is anything like the Fire Swamp in The Princess Bride. I hope there are no Rodents Of Unusual Size.
OK … I think the Vader-vs-Luke scene in the dark part of the swamp is my favorite scene so far. Interesting!
Our friends in the Falcon are attempting to escape at light speed. That thing really is a bucket of bolts. And C-3PO is spouting more odds of survival. Finally, someone (Leia) tells him to shut up with the odds already.
Wait, did they actually get out of that mess? I had to rewind to check.
Sure enough, they turned around and appeared to fly right past the bad guys. I have a feeling the guy in charge of the Nazis (err, imperial forces or whatever they are) is going to be in big trouble. I predict Vader won’t accept Captain Needa’s apology.
Back to Yoda and Luke, who are busy practicing their circus act. (Luke is doing a handstand and Yoda is balancing on Luke’s foot.) Luke’s ship has sunk, and Luke says he’ll try to use the Force to retrieve it. Yoda’s rather annoyed response: “Do or do not. There is no try.” (Great line.) Then Yoda gives Luke a definition of the Force: “Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we.” I still love Leia, but Yoda is quickly gaining in the “favorite character” contest. (Does anybody else think he looks a little bit like Mr. Miyagi?)
Luke: I don’t believe it.
Yoda: That is why you fail.
Well, I guess I was wrong about Vader. He did, indeed, accept Needa’s apology. After he killed him.
Hahaha! That is an excellent hiding spot for the Millennium Falcon!
Introducing … Lando Calrissian. I’m with Leia; neither one of us is sure what to think of Lando. He’s too smooth.
Uh oh. C-3PO took a wrong turn and ended up getting blasted.
Back in the swamp, Yoda and Ben are trying to convince Luke to stay and finish his Jedi training. He thinks it’s more important to go help Han and Leia.
Luke leaves, but promises to return. As in Return of the Jedi?
[Intermission, during which I slept for several hours, showered, and ate breakfast. Now back to the movie.]
Leia’s worried about 3PO. She doesn’t trust Lando to help them. Chewie’s trying to find 3PO and tussles with several weird little dudes who are trying to scrap and/or melt 3PO’s parts. Chewie brings the parts back to Han and Leia, and then … Lando shows up to invite them to join him for a drink.
Lando, you blankety-blank traitor! Leia was right not to trust you. Vader is there, and Leia, Han, and Chewie are turned over to him. Lando apologizes, but I don’t buy it for a second.
Luke’s on his way to help.
I’m not sure where Chewie is right now, but C-3PO’s parts are there too, and Chewie starts to put 3PO back together. The first thing 3PO says when his head is reattached is something about warning the others that they’re in danger, which they’ve already discovered on their own, thankyouverymuch. Han is being tortured, and Lando hears him screaming.
Vader’s making plans to give Han to a bounty hunter (who will return Han to Jabba the Hutt), and then Vader tells Lando that Leia and Chewie can never leave. Lando protests that none of that was the plan and starts to get all indignant, but I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him.
C-3PO realizes that Chewie has done a magnificently poor job of putting him back together, and 3PO is not happy about it. Chewie spends the next several scenes wearing C-3PO like a backpack with a backward head.
A pair of stormtroopers bring the tortured Han back to Chewie and Leia. Lando comes in to explain what Vader is planning.
Luke’s coming, and Vader intends to freeze him, but they’re going to test the freezing method on Han first. As soon as they all understand what’s happening, Chewie starts to throw stormtroopers in the carbon freeze, until Han gets Chewie to stop. Han convinces Chewie that he’s only making things worse, and asks him to protect Leia. Han kisses Leia and then …
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
Ugh, that’s worse than “Thank you.”
They lower him into the carbon freeze and Chewie is wailing.
They haul him back out of the freeze in a solid chunk of carbonite. The chunk is handed over to Jabba’s bounty hunter, and then Vader orders Lando to take Chewie and Leia to Vader’s ship. Lando protests again — that wasn’t the deal! — and Vader basically says too bad, so sad.
Luke is sneaking in to help Leia and the others, but Leia shouts to warn him that it’s a trap. He goes anyway.
Lightsabers activated. Here we go.
Lando’s guards manage to stop Vader’s guards, and Lando wants to get Chewie, Leia, and C-3PO to safety, but Chewie’s not taking it well. And now Lando can’t breathe. Lando manages to tell them how they can still save Han, and Leia convinces Chewie to stop strangling Lando.
They run into R2-D2 on the way to rescue Han, but they don’t get there in time. Then the stormtroopers show up, so Leia, Lando, Chewie, R2-D2, and a still-mangled C-3PO are fighting them while …
… Luke is still dueling Vader in the carbon freezing chamber. Vader is complimenting Luke on what he’s learned. (And now I’m reminded of the duel between Inigo Montoya and the Man in Black. Maybe one of these guys isn’t left-handed.)
Luke falls in the carbon freezing chamber and uses the Force to escape. “Impressive,” says Vader, but I don’t think he really means it.
Vader starts Force-throwing things at Luke, and then the window breaks, and … yup, Luke is sucked right out the window.
Back to Leia and the gang, fighting stormtroopers. The good guys (and Lando) escape to the Millennium Falcon. I assume they’re off to find and save Han Solo.
And now back to Luke and Vader. Vader’s trying to convince Luke to stop resisting, to not let himself “be destroyed like Obi-Wan did.” Luke is, nevertheless, persisting.
Whoa! Vader’s lightsaber just cut off Luke’s right hand! I guess that means Luke is left-handed.
Vader still wants Luke to join forces with him. He offers to complete Luke’s training.
Wait a second. Vader doesn’t actually say, “Luke, I am your father”? He just says, “I am your father.” Wow. My whole life’s been a lie.
Vader offers a father-son partnership. Luke would rather follow his hand into the abyss and jumps. He ends up in some kind of giant pneumatic tube, but then the bottom drops out and he is hanging on for dear life, begging Ben for help. Then he asks Leia to hear him … and she does! She turns the Falcon around so they can go back to rescue Luke. They get him and prepare to turn on the hyperdrive.
Wow, that Millennium Falcon is the worst.
You know that thing when people are sitting in separate rooms but still having a conversation? Luke and Vader are doing that, except they’re in different ships. And they don’t have to shout. Luke is doing the same thing with Ben, asking why Ben never told him Vader was his father. Ben doesn’t answer.
R2 fixes the hyperdrive and the Falcon can finally hightail it out of there. We see Vader at the window, watching them go. He is not pleased, and the current commander looks worried that he might be next on Vader’s kill list. I think he’s probably right to be concerned.
Lando and Chewie are leaving to get Han, while Luke’s busy getting a new hand. He and Leia, along with C-3PO and R2-D2, watch the Falcon leave.
Wait, that’s it? What happens next?!? I guess I’ll have to watch at least one more Star Wars movie. I didn’t expect this, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been sucked in the same way Luke was sucked out that window.
I’d give this one an 8 out of 10.